Tuesday, January 29, 2008

celebrity deathwatch '08: place your bets

ok so I really mean this in the least cruel way possible, which is still actually pretty cruel, but I think we need to start a comprehensive list of the celebrities who may take part in this year that is destined to have a very high celeb mortality rate. I'M SERIOUS. I have known since 1/1/08 that this year was going to be one filled with tabloid filling catastrophe. SO. Here goes (with the completely dehumanizing and admittedly somewhat gross odds next to the names... which I created completely on my own, but which are based loosely on... well, the truth):

Paris (25:1)
Unfortunately.

Lindsay (15:1)
She's cleaned it up a bit, but is in no way out of the woods... we all know the crazy will re-emerge, it's just a matter of to what level.

Nicole Richie (50:1)
She's calmed down a lot with the baby, and I imagine she'll keep it pretty low-key. However, she is deathly skinny and an ex-heroin addict, so I don't see her odds getting much better than this in any year to come.

Britney (2:1)
God I hope she can pull it together, but it's definitely a possibility.

Amy Winehouse (1.5:1)
I almost made this even money and then decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she'll pull it together for Blake's sake. Or her cat's sake, because really, that cat should just call a cab and get out of there. RIGHT AMY???

Tom Cruise (10:1)
That may seem low, but with the extreme delusions of grandeur, the overexposure and the impending February 10th attack of "Anonymous"... well, it's either this or Scientology is right and he'll fly away on some spaceship to crazyville. And then won't we all be red in the face.

Mary-Kate Olsen (30:1)
Pretty skinny and already involved in a mysterious death this year, so who knows. Definitely safer than Lindsay and Paris, but not out of the game.

Jared Leto (25:1)
Def into the party scene, and so pretty that he just seems destined for a tragic end. And now that he's more musician than actor, he can pull a full on kurt cobain. A bit of a longshot but I'd take it.

Katie Holmes (10:1)
Because how long can you survive after a lobotomy, really??

Ashley Olsen (35:1)
A bit more of a long shot than her sister, but hey, it could happen. I think they party harder than we know.

Hayden Panetierre (300:1)
So squeaky clean you can see your reflection, if I have faith in any young actress making it out alive, it's her.

Zac Efron (500:1)
Probably the biggest possible longshot, I'm bettin' this kid makes it.

Sorry if this offended you, but not really. STEP RIGHT UP KIDS! PLACE YOUR BETS!

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