Wednesday, January 2, 2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So let's talk about '08, mmmmkay?

THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN
First off... babies babies babies! Nicole Richie is about to burst (and has been conspicuously absent from... well, public) and I guess is having a mini-good charlotte in January. Jamie-Lynn will, we all must assume, have this child we've heard so much about. Christina Aguilera has been pregnant forever, or did she have a baby? If not, her and J. Lo are gonna be poppin' one out too. I'm really the most excited for/appalled by the Spears baby, all the others are pretty meh.
Additional things that can be guaranteed and thus looked forward to: Lindsay Lohan will bang more than a couple random dudes... this is probably already covered, let's be honest. Paris Hilton will be a huge waste of life (again, done). There will be a presidential election! VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE! Lost is coming back on! Oooooh man, at least several secrets will be revealed, Sayid will be shirtless, Jack will be lame, Charlie will be dead (tear), Sawyer will dominate, Walt will still exist SOMEHOW, Locke will obviously know everything, Ben will be creepy... OH GOD GET PUMPED.

I guess that covers most of that.

THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN
Paris might die... of some std or another, or killed by the MOST SANE AND GENEROUS PERSON ON EARTH (yet to be indentified). Britney might die... in a car accident, drowning in... well, anything, really, just some random fit of insanity... it would be tragic and really life destroying (mine), but it is a possibility. Lindsay might die... in a drug overdose, in a fight with a coke dealer in a dark alley (ALLEGEDLY), in a bar brawl with Paris or some other random celebutante... definitely not by choking on food, apparently, as she's looking a bit gaunt lately.

Heroes might redeem itself. The Office might eventually come back on and continue to be awesome. Purple might become the new black. You heard it here, folks.

THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN
Britney really may pull her life together. I'm serious. I mean... everyone seems pretty into the idea of blaming her mom at this point, and I truly believe that deep down everyone wants our little pop tartlet to be our shining star again, so this presents her with a real opportunity. If she can clean up her clothing (which she's done over the past week or so), stop sleeping with randoms (and especially paparazzi stalkers), show up for court and get her kids, and make some sick music videos... I mean, she's already less of a whore moron than Jamie-Lynn, so that's a good first step right there. 2 months ago she didn't even have that, you know? So I really see this happening. Team Britney.

THINGS THAT SHOULD HAPPEN
Jessica Simpson should stop trying to be in movies... her last one made like 1200 dollars opening weekend... that's impossibly low, stupidly sad, and a clear enough message that she should really take heed of to SHUT UP while she's ahead. People should really lay off Brit-Brit... just LAY OFF and give her a chance to clean it up. Barack Obama should be elected President of the USA. Hell. Yes. Buffy reruns should get moved to a more reasonable hour... they are at 2 am currently and that's really late to stay up just to get my Scooby Gang fix. Chad from the alltell commercials should call me. Michael Cera should be my boyfriend. Everyone should go see Juno, if you haven't yet. Lindsay Lohan should make a spectacular movie so that everyone's obsession with her is at least a little more justified... we all know she can do it, so come on, Linds... ACT! It's what keeps you in a class above the Hiltons of the world.

Overall, the year's lookin' promising. I've got a good feeling. And, if nothing else, at least we can all watch the Spears family destroy humanity as we know it, one womb at a time.

Happy New Year kids!

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